Unconventional Wisdom for Budding Astronauts

by Shenron on August 26, 2009

So, you want to be an astronaut? Well assuming you’ve managed to keep that dream alive after your sixth birthday, let’s look at some of the things you can do to get that dream job or to keep it once you weasel your way into NASA.

Those guys at NASA are a tricky bunch of folks and expect only the best from their employees. So what if you’re not the best candidate for the job? No problem! In fact, it doesn’t even matter if the only experience you have with space travel is what you’ve seen in cartoons from yesteryear and shuttle launches on TV. Better yet, if you’ve even seen just ONE shuttle launch you’re ready to walk in and grab a job application.

Astronauts Unconventional Wisdom for Budding Astronauts

  • Fake It: Obviously the first thing you need to become an astronaut is a space suit. So head down to your local costume shop and see what they have. You should be able to pick up a vacuum suit for the job for just under $50. Now, once you have the suit on and are ready to launch into space, walk into the NASA office. They’ll think you’re a perfectly qualified astronaut. Show them a fake security pass (you can print one up in no time!) and walk right in. They’ll never know what hit them.
  • Figure out the Launch: You may be worried if you faked your way into the NASA business without experience and are wondering what you’re going to do to make it into space. Well as a matter of fact, launching a space shuttle isn’t too difficult. You may be overwhelmed with all of the levers and crazy lingo they spout at you through your headset but more than likely there’ll be a small red button that says “Start” on it. Push it on and get ready to go.

    Astronauts 5 Unconventional Wisdom for Budding Astronauts

  • Space Travel: Once you’re in space there is absolutely nothing NASA can do to stop you from doing pretty much whatever you want. If you’re really good at the first tip (faking it) you may be able to tell them that they can’t launch a fellow astronaut because he isn’t qualified. If you’re able to kick off an extra crew member you should have an extra seat to store some of the cool space debris that you’ll inevitably collect.
  • Get Home: Well you made it up just fine so now how exactly do you get home? Simple. Ask one of your fellow astronauts to do it. There are way too many astronauts to begin with so I’m sure you not knowing what to do won’t have any adverse effects. You may have to reveal your true identity to make this happen, but are they going to get angry? Of course not. They want to get home as well so what better way than to take you with them.

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